Readers of "Why Does He Do That?" - Lundy Bancroft

My 30th birthday was daunting. I wasn't where I wanted to be in life and I was feeling like a failure.

The shining light was that "the man of my dreams" had recently moved to my hometown to be in a relationship with me only 1 month prior. This at least gave me hope.

A couple of weeks before my birthday he asked me what I'd like. Being mindful that he had only recently moved and was unemployed I told him I didn't want him to spend a lot of money. He protested saying it was a significant day and that he would think of something to surprise me with. He always seemed so generous... he certainly "boasted" of his generosity enough...

A couple of days before my birthday we were discussing jewellery - we both have an interest in gems and had just joined the local gem cutters association that week. During the conversation he remembered he had a few small gold and ruby rings he'd bought from a jeweller friend several years prior - he raced off to the room to look through his belongings. He came back holding a small bag and had a big smile on his face. He tipped out the rings on the bench - some were broken but there were two rings that seemed ok. Not really my style, but nice traditional rings nonetheless.

He told me they were worth a lot of money, which seemed odd to me because they were basic gemstone rings you would find at any normal jewellery chain for no more than $100, maybe less. He suddenly became inspired that I could choose one of the rings as my birthday present. At the time I thought that was very nice of him - very generous... but he was definitely pushing me to take one of the rings as my birthday present - he wanted me to buy the idea. He kept pointing out how special it was and that I should be very, very happy. He even reminisced about the moment he bought them and how he thought at the time that one day he would give them to the woman he loved - so it was all perfect in his eyes.

The day of my birthday he was very sweet, he cooked me breakfast and we had a relaxing morning. There were no other presents, but I didn't mind because I knew he wasn't working. There was however a certain expectation on me to continue making a fuss over the ring - he mentioned it a lot. He would volunteer small comments like "your ring looks nice honey" and "gee, that ring suits you... it's perfect". To which of course I would enthusiastically agree... but I was starting to feel prompted, very prompted. Even though I went along with it, I couldn't help but notice that initially he made a big fuss over how much he intended to spoil me.... but in the end he didn't really go out of his way to do anything special at all - he didn't even have to go to the shops to buy a present! He just had a great knack of self-promoting so the small things he did - like cooking breakfast, washing the dishes and giving me a massage - were made out to be extraordinary events - which I should be very appreciative of.

A male friend phoned to wish me happy birthday, it was a brief conversation which consisted of him asking me questions like "are you having a nice day?" and "how does it feel to be 30?". When I hung up I realised the energy in the room had changed... my boyfriend was quietly angry. He asked "who was that?", I said "my friend, you know, the one I've spoken about before - we used to work together" (trying to ease the tension). He then said in a rather low, controlled tone "well, I don't mind you talking to men, but when you don't mention my name (he paused and squinted his eyes at me) I get very suspicious". My "happy" birthday was beginning to go downhill. Then my best friend rang "happy birthday honey!!!" she squealed joyously. "How's it going? how's your day?". I am now feeling self conscious of everything I say knowing he is listening to my every word and my mind is trying to scramble 6 steps ahead to cover all the bases. I coo about how wonderful he is and how great my day has been because of his efforts. I'm turning it on like a tap because of his fragile ego and not wishing to have any more trouble.

The moment I hang up he comes in for the kill "don't you like the ring?... you never mentioned anything about the ring." My heart sinks...