Readers of "Why Does He Do That?" - Lundy Bancroft

I'd like to share a story about chocolate. This is a real story that happened to me in 2009 when the man of my dreams moved halfway across the country, straight into my apartment and began to suffocate my life.

I arrived home from work one afternoon and was in a wonderful mood. As I skipped in the door I said a cheerful "hello baby, how are you? I'm soooooooo hungry - do we have anything to eat in the fridge?". To which he replied "we have chocolate in the fridge". He didn't seem to be in a bad mood - he seemed totally fine. I bounded over to the sofa with chocolate in hand, where he sat reading the paper. As I sat beside him I cracked the first line of the chocolate block... and unfortunately cracked it crooked. 

I quickly glanced at him and he gave me a look of disapproval. I thought to myself - surely he's not angry I cracked the chocolate crooked? But I watched him angrily turn the pages of the newspaper, his face twisted into a scowl and I knew he was. My heart sank.

I said "baby, do you want any chocolate?". He spat back "no thanks, i'll have mine later".

There was a long uncomfortable silence.

So I ventured "baby, are you mad with me because I broke the chocolate crooked?" To which he replied "No... I am not mad at you because you broke the chocolate crooked. I am mad at you because you are a very rude person." At this point my hackles go up, "what do you mean?". He said "all i'm saying is most people would have asked permission before opening the chocolate." 

Now the good mood I was in only minutes before has totally disappeared. So I snap "what??! I asked you if there was anything to eat in the fridge - you said chocolate. Are you telling me if I had've said "baby may I have this chocolate" you would have said yes, i just had to ask your permission first? That is so controlling. What were you out to get me as soon as I walked in the door? - are you looking for a fight?....for f*ck sake!... this is f*cking ridiculous... you are an absolute f*cking d*ckhead!" (I am now almost screaming).. *apologies for the expletives.

*SIDE NOTE - now that i've read Lundy's book I can see very clearly how he provoked me into being a hysterical, emotional woman within a few seconds of me walking through the door - yet he remained calm and unfazed. While I was totally and utterly disgusted by the blatant control he was imposing on me over 'chocolate', he was composed because it didn't seem reasonable to him that I should ask permission first. I was outraged.

He replied to this explosive outburst in a very calm and cool voice "You are abusing me. All I have done is simply point out what a rude person you are and that most people would be thoughtful enough to ask permission first. You asked "what's in the fridge?" and I stated "chocolate is in the fridge". I was simply making a statement - I stated a fact - I was not offering for you to have it. I was going to save that chocolate for when we watch Survivor tonight. I don't deserve this abuse. I am the person who loves you. Look at how you are talking to me.... no one else would put up with this"

I stared back at him in disbelief and replied somewhat sarcastically "you're right, I am abusing you and i'm afraid if I stay here a minute longer I might "abuse" you some more. So I think i'll take myself off to my parents house tonight. Goodbye."

I left, angry and extremely confused. The abuse accusation threw me for a loop because by nature I am gentle & loving and easily hold space for other people. I consider myself fair and approachable and in the 4 year relationship I had prior to him coming into my life - i never yelled at my ex, because everyone who knows me really well knows - I'm a talker, not a screamer. The fact that I had developed a nasty habit of screaming should've told me everything - that this relationship wasn't right. But I thought it was because we were such a 'passionate couple' that screaming came with the territory - now I know it was because I could never 'win' with him, he always had a way of twisting my words and making me the bad guy.

The next morning I drove to work having an inner dialogue with myself - I had given his comments a lot of thought and now was feeling terrible because I had 'realised' that perhaps he was right and I actually should have asked his permission first. The proof that I had lost control of my emotions and yelled at him when he had stayed calm showed me that it was a genuine misunderstanding - that he truly was just "making a statement" that there was chocolate in the fridge and that I had misread the offer. This is the power an abusive person has over you. This is why I lost myself little by little, piece by piece - because he sounded so reasonable and logical at the time - how could I argue with his accusation of me being abusive towards him when I had indeed been. I now know - these are just tactics an abuser uses. Tell a person they're crazy right at the moment they're acting crazy and it's likely they'll "buy it". Looking back at this chocolate story it is so incredibly ridiculous and easy to see through, but when you are in a relationship with someone like this it is not so easy to see at the time. Hope comes if you can at least see it eventually and have the courage to say - this is not ok and I deserve better. I can't win with this person and I am better to cut my losses and free myself from this emotional prison.