Readers of "Why Does He Do That?" - Lundy Bancroft

I'd like to share a story about chocolate. This is a real story that happened to me in 2009 when the man of my dreams moved halfway across the country, straight into my apartment and began to suffocate my life.

I arrived home from work one afternoon and was in a wonderful mood. As I skipped in the door I said a cheerful "hello baby, how are you? I'm soooooooo hungry - do we have anything to eat in the fridge?". To which he replied "we have chocolate in the fridge". He didn't seem to be in a bad mood - he seemed totally fine. I bounded over to the sofa with chocolate in hand, where he sat reading the paper. As I sat beside him I cracked the first line of the chocolate block... and unfortunately cracked it crooked. 

I quickly glanced at him and he gave me a look of disapproval. I thought to myself - surely he's not angry I cracked the chocolate crooked? But I watched him angrily turn the pages of the newspaper, his face twisted into a scowl and I knew he was. My heart sank.

I said "baby, do you want any chocolate?". He spat back "no thanks, i'll have mine later".

There was a long uncomfortable silence.

So I ventured "baby, are you mad with me because I broke the chocolate crooked?" To which he replied "No... I am not mad at you because you broke the chocolate crooked. I am mad at you because you are a very rude person." At this point my hackles go up, "what do you mean?". He said "all i'm saying is most people would have asked permission before opening the chocolate." 

Now the good mood I was in only minutes before has totally disappeared. So I snap "what??! I asked you if there was anything to eat in the fridge - you said chocolate. Are you telling me if I had've said "baby may I have this chocolate" you would have said yes, i just had to ask your permission first? That is so controlling. What were you out to get me as soon as I walked in the door? - are you looking for a fight?....for f*ck sake!... this is f*cking ridiculous... you are an absolute f*cking d*ckhead!" (I am now almost screaming).. *apologies for the expletives.

*SIDE NOTE - now that i've read Lundy's book I can see very clearly how he provoked me into being a hysterical, emotional woman within a few seconds of me walking through the door - yet he remained calm and unfazed. While I was totally and utterly disgusted by the blatant control he was imposing on me over 'chocolate', he was composed because it didn't seem reasonable to him that I should ask permission first. I was outraged.

He replied to this explosive outburst in a very calm and cool voice "You are abusing me. All I have done is simply point out what a rude person you are and that most people would be thoughtful enough to ask permission first. You asked "what's in the fridge?" and I stated "chocolate is in the fridge". I was simply making a statement - I stated a fact - I was not offering for you to have it. I was going to save that chocolate for when we watch Survivor tonight. I don't deserve this abuse. I am the person who loves you. Look at how you are talking to me.... no one else would put up with this"

I stared back at him in disbelief and replied somewhat sarcastically "you're right, I am abusing you and i'm afraid if I stay here a minute longer I might "abuse" you some more. So I think i'll take myself off to my parents house tonight. Goodbye."

I left, angry and extremely confused. The abuse accusation threw me for a loop because by nature I am gentle & loving and easily hold space for other people. I consider myself fair and approachable and in the 4 year relationship I had prior to him coming into my life - i never yelled at my ex, because everyone who knows me really well knows - I'm a talker, not a screamer. The fact that I had developed a nasty habit of screaming should've told me everything - that this relationship wasn't right. But I thought it was because we were such a 'passionate couple' that screaming came with the territory - now I know it was because I could never 'win' with him, he always had a way of twisting my words and making me the bad guy.

The next morning I drove to work having an inner dialogue with myself - I had given his comments a lot of thought and now was feeling terrible because I had 'realised' that perhaps he was right and I actually should have asked his permission first. The proof that I had lost control of my emotions and yelled at him when he had stayed calm showed me that it was a genuine misunderstanding - that he truly was just "making a statement" that there was chocolate in the fridge and that I had misread the offer. This is the power an abusive person has over you. This is why I lost myself little by little, piece by piece - because he sounded so reasonable and logical at the time - how could I argue with his accusation of me being abusive towards him when I had indeed been. I now know - these are just tactics an abuser uses. Tell a person they're crazy right at the moment they're acting crazy and it's likely they'll "buy it". Looking back at this chocolate story it is so incredibly ridiculous and easy to see through, but when you are in a relationship with someone like this it is not so easy to see at the time. Hope comes if you can at least see it eventually and have the courage to say - this is not ok and I deserve better. I can't win with this person and I am better to cut my losses and free myself from this emotional prison.

My 30th birthday was daunting. I wasn't where I wanted to be in life and I was feeling like a failure.

The shining light was that "the man of my dreams" had recently moved to my hometown to be in a relationship with me only 1 month prior. This at least gave me hope.

A couple of weeks before my birthday he asked me what I'd like. Being mindful that he had only recently moved and was unemployed I told him I didn't want him to spend a lot of money. He protested saying it was a significant day and that he would think of something to surprise me with. He always seemed so generous... he certainly "boasted" of his generosity enough...

A couple of days before my birthday we were discussing jewellery - we both have an interest in gems and had just joined the local gem cutters association that week. During the conversation he remembered he had a few small gold and ruby rings he'd bought from a jeweller friend several years prior - he raced off to the room to look through his belongings. He came back holding a small bag and had a big smile on his face. He tipped out the rings on the bench - some were broken but there were two rings that seemed ok. Not really my style, but nice traditional rings nonetheless.

He told me they were worth a lot of money, which seemed odd to me because they were basic gemstone rings you would find at any normal jewellery chain for no more than $100, maybe less. He suddenly became inspired that I could choose one of the rings as my birthday present. At the time I thought that was very nice of him - very generous... but he was definitely pushing me to take one of the rings as my birthday present - he wanted me to buy the idea. He kept pointing out how special it was and that I should be very, very happy. He even reminisced about the moment he bought them and how he thought at the time that one day he would give them to the woman he loved - so it was all perfect in his eyes.

The day of my birthday he was very sweet, he cooked me breakfast and we had a relaxing morning. There were no other presents, but I didn't mind because I knew he wasn't working. There was however a certain expectation on me to continue making a fuss over the ring - he mentioned it a lot. He would volunteer small comments like "your ring looks nice honey" and "gee, that ring suits you... it's perfect". To which of course I would enthusiastically agree... but I was starting to feel prompted, very prompted. Even though I went along with it, I couldn't help but notice that initially he made a big fuss over how much he intended to spoil me.... but in the end he didn't really go out of his way to do anything special at all - he didn't even have to go to the shops to buy a present! He just had a great knack of self-promoting so the small things he did - like cooking breakfast, washing the dishes and giving me a massage - were made out to be extraordinary events - which I should be very appreciative of.

A male friend phoned to wish me happy birthday, it was a brief conversation which consisted of him asking me questions like "are you having a nice day?" and "how does it feel to be 30?". When I hung up I realised the energy in the room had changed... my boyfriend was quietly angry. He asked "who was that?", I said "my friend, you know, the one I've spoken about before - we used to work together" (trying to ease the tension). He then said in a rather low, controlled tone "well, I don't mind you talking to men, but when you don't mention my name (he paused and squinted his eyes at me) I get very suspicious". My "happy" birthday was beginning to go downhill. Then my best friend rang "happy birthday honey!!!" she squealed joyously. "How's it going? how's your day?". I am now feeling self conscious of everything I say knowing he is listening to my every word and my mind is trying to scramble 6 steps ahead to cover all the bases. I coo about how wonderful he is and how great my day has been because of his efforts. I'm turning it on like a tap because of his fragile ego and not wishing to have any more trouble.

The moment I hang up he comes in for the kill "don't you like the ring?... you never mentioned anything about the ring." My heart sinks... 

One day he came home with a money tin he'd bought from the dollar store. He'd had a fabulous idea to save our coins so we'd be able to go away on a great holiday somewhere together. It sounded like a good idea, something very sweet you do when you're in couplesville. He really sold the idea to me. Like the ring for my birthday he went on and on about it.

I should point out now - the tin was HUGE! I'm sure if we'd kept piling our money into it we'd have had an easy $5000.

He started making small comments each day about how he'd put all his gold coins in. He'd shake the tin enthusiastically - eyes open really wide - and say 'listen... it's filling up!'. He'd question me about whether i'd put my coins in and chastise me if I hadn't. Then he started looking through my purse - he'd say "baby, i noticed you have some gold coins in here... lets put them in the tin"... I started feeling like he was watching me at the store - when the cashier handed me my change he'd pounce "YES! more coins for the tin!" I'd go along with him and say "sure, sure put them in". 

Then he started raiding the glove box of my car "Would you look at all this change! why isn't it in the tin? we could be going on a holiday - I put all my change in the tin!" I'd argue I needed the change for parking meters but he'd be wounded because I wasn't supporting his great money tin idea. So I let him have the change.

Because he'd moved to my town to be with me he was unemployed and looking for work. So it 'made sense' that he had to watch his money more carefully. I suspect for every $2 he put in I probably put in $10 - but I felt bad for him being unemployed so didn't say anything - after all we were supposed to be a team and I didn't want to crush him. 

When we broke up - i asked him to split the money in the tin. He was outraged. Apparently he had contributed a lot more than me. I must've been imagining my contributions - maybe every time he raided my purse or car and put those coins in the tin he had a momentary brain lapse and thought they were his coins? 

In the end, I didn't get any money back from the tin. The tin went missing. He claimed there was only $60 in it... and i'd only put $10 in - wow... he had a distortion of ridiculous proportions. I'm not an idiot, I know there was more money than that but I was already starting to see through his charade and I wanted him out of my life more than I wanted the money. In his mind (and this is the scary part) he truly believed he contributed more and deserved it all. According to Lundy this is a typical minset which stems from the sense of entitlement.

Note to self: Don't help anyone fill up a money tin no matter how romantically the idea is sold.